It's those thoughts again 4/22/11

I really feel like I don't have a family anymore. My dad "already has one family issue" & it's now his job to work on his brother's life instead of his family that lives with him. I didn't have anybody, & I got through it. I really don't like how he takes ALL his stress out on us. I really hate that.Like, I was supper hungry & he barged in the kitchen. He piled 4cups of pasta onto his plate,& then went searching for food, he didn't find these french cookies brionne brought home, because me & Jeanie ate them all. It's not like they're irreplacible. She got them from wallmart. Then he was like GOD DAMN IT!!!! so I was just waiting for him to move, at this point, I was cheerfull & happy to see him for the 1-2 time today, & he YELLED at me for waiting for him to move!!Oh Shit. there's a police officer outside....So then he sat down with his t.v tray & started watching. It was a wrong adress b.t.w. They got the adress wrong, there was screaming here...So then he just started stabing the pasta REALLY HARD, like about to break the plate. So, he asked me why I ate all of them. & he just started telling me off, then he was like GO IN YOUR ROOM!!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU TODAY!!! He didn't even say hi to me when I got home. I swear, Jeanie's house is my home away from "home". & we ended up having a physical confrontation over it. He was trying to pull it away from me! I'm not just some pushover, I am a living breathing human being with feelings, hopes dreams & e.t.c he was like LEAVE YOUR DINNER HERE. SO I slammed it on the table, he has done it thousands of times, why can't I? I mean, if this behavior is propper for a grown adult, then shouldn't it be appropriate for a 14 year old?So, I washed off the plate, sobing at this point. & I put it in the dish washer, went in my room & asked God why the hell he made my life to be like this? I know, hardships make you stronger,harder to break, but I don't want to be the strong one. I want to lean on a friend every once in a while, cry when I want to, not when I need to, even if it's just for  minutes. I'm sorry that I ate all the sweets, but that was the ONLY sweet thing in the house. Excuse me if I have cravings, I can't controll them uopn will.Sigh, that really depressed me. I'm going over to Jeanie's house for Easter, my family dosen't celebrate it anymore. I miss my mother...She did drink, smoke, & have verry bad problems, but I always did love her more than anywone else & I intend it to stay like that. I can't help imagine a time when they wer'nt fighting, all of the family was home,safe,& sober. I HATE tapping into my memmories like this. It brings tears to my eyes & I'm babbysitting. The reason why I cry each time we fight isn't what happend in the fight, but that he's so used to constantly being in a fight with somebody.  I wish he could control his anger better, I don't want him to be that way around the twins. I had my mother to say,"she's only __years old Lee!" But all the babies will have is Brionne, she's so unde his will, it's disgusting. He can kick her out anytime he wants. I garuntee, that I won't last long if it's just me & him. He's actually stand-able when he's not around the presence of others. But if he is, he finds me to be a pesky "teeny boper" I Fucking Hate That. It's like he takes all the things I say the opposite way, like if I'm being serrious, he'll be silly. If I'm being silly, he'll take everything I say & twist it to something that makes me out to be a bully, telling him these fabricated words to make myself feel better. Ugh, I'm done.